this is my last post for this week.
haiz.
i really dunnoe what to write.
im havin so much probs.
my dad took away my passport.
like wtf la.
i was at hm basically the whole day.
im nortt talkin to my mum
since yesterday.
seriously, it wasnt my fault.
she is so paranoid la.
haiz.
den the tshirt dunnoe
whether will turn out nice?
im so scared la.
sumone really lend me a hand.
im lookin forward to this event.
amily has faith in me.
i shall nortt disappoint her AGAIN.
i gave up when i return back to SG.
coz its isnt my comfort zone.
now i get what amily is tryin to tell me.
thanks alot.
it realli helps.
i was damn tired today.
harry msged me like nearly the whole
day.
he kept me company.
thanks alot.
im so called in tears while
writing this.
i need a hug.
SERIOUSLY.
call me sissy is u wan.
but i dun usually cry.
it has been a long time since i cried.
its nortt that i dun wan to leave hm.
but its the pain i've endured these
years.
regardless of friendship,
relationship, studies, ccas,
FAMILY.
and many many more.
y am i leadin such a souless life.
y am i having fun despite the
despair im havin.
y? Y? y?
now.
i just wanna tell my dad that,
i also got responsibilities
outside of the house.
his reply will be like, family comes first.
my reply will be, thats ur priority not mine.
my anger flares and his too.
nvr wld i thought i will run away from hm.
coz its showin my little brothers such a bad
influence i am.
my brothers look up on me.
while sumtimes i look down on them.
thats rivalry.
they themselves know,
whats right and whats wrong.
i dun wanna elaborate.
im impatient with my life.
im retarded.
im stupid.
im everything u're not.
my dad kept sayin that im always right.
i am.
im just statin facts and u dun like it.
hence, threatening me.
dun make me go to such an extent.
SERIOUSLY.
im ready to BLOW UP soon.
i wanna cry yet scream at the same time.
i wanna let everything go.
but what the hell is stoppin me?
i realli dunnoe.
im startin to get frustrated.
realli realli frustrated.
im thinkin bout suicide.
but thats stupid.
although i got cut myself before.
this is so attention seekin.
but its NOT.
im writing what i realli wan to say.
i realli wan to have fun at Stong.
make new friends and mingle ard with
my seniors.
i wanna cry at night thinkin.
what do i really wan in life.
say im crazy.
while cryin while sleepin.
i've done it before.
i dreamt of my fav.grandmother died.
i cried and cried and cried.
woke up, im cryin.
cant slp and continue cryin.
next mornin. i got sore eyes.
see.
i got emotional breakdown lor.
wahaha!
talked to alot of ppl online and was
callin my recee team mates.
askin lotsa things la.
im LOST and CONFUSED.
my world shattered.
another 2 more days and
its our so called our one mth
anniversary.
since the day i was at the person's hse.
Justin chatted with me online.
asked me whether i wanna chatt
on phone.
i said NO.
expected him to call me although
i said NO.
and my feelin was right.
he called.
he was a great friend.
i appreciate it.
Joel msg me too.
wahaha!!
must miss me ar!!
i got nth against homo.
i respect them.
i've been holdin ON.
i love my friends lots.
i love my family lots too.
im very fortunate already.
((:
but sumtimes they misunderstand me.
and i miss understand them.
this are flaws in human life.
i accept that.
nth is perfect.
when i scold my brothers
till they cry,
sumthing in me triggered too.
i'll start tearing up.
i love them.
i dun wan them to
do the same mistakes in life like me.
but they hated me.
let them me.
they will understand soon.
when they reach my age.
coz i went thru what they went thru.
i understand.
if anything happens to me during the
expedition,
i just wanna seek forgiveness.
if i had offended u in anyways.
this is how i realli feel now.
full of sorrow.
pain. thousand of arrows
puntured my heart.
i may be smiling.
but i've nortt shown my full
potential.
sumthing is keepin me away from it.
i've liked someone for nearly 3 yrs.
but its impossible between us.
sumtimes, there are just too much
to sacrifice.
but y?
why must things turn out this way.
dun they noe that i've suffered
ENOUGH.
maybe its karma.
im nortt religious.
i dun drink.
i dun smoke.
i see alot of other ppl
drinkin and smokin.
nortt religious.
but how cum they are enjoying life?
i dun get it.
it seem so unfair.
haiz.
i've paid the prize.
my tears are flowin down.
like a never endin river.
why? why? whY?
i've nvr expected life to be like this.
haiz.
i cleared my tears.
coz louie called.
he sumone that im realli close too.
sumone who i spent my whole O
level period.
went his hse every single day.
teach him science.
he teach me maths.
my first stayover is at his hse.
my night life friend.
i'll remember those days mann.
i still remember we used to
go night cycling.
3am.
wah. thats was my life.
carefree.
i wanna drink and i cant.
haiz.
its too temptin.
but im fighting it.
as i still have faith.
i miss my secondary skool life.
i miss my juniors.
i miss my duties.
i miss my EXCO team.
i miss my event planning.
i wanna turn back time.
to that sumone: i really wanna
say this to u. i will miss u.
LOADS!
i just cant say it on Phone.
sumtimes i keep thinkin.
im i kiddin myself.
im i pretendin.
im so broken up inside.
sewed together but still so
broken up.
im still on the phone with louie.
he's complainin.
lols. ((:
eat sumore la.
wahaha!!
may u choke and die to death.
ooppss.
thats too LOUD.
jokin kaes.
louie: nvr take things for granted.
have fun at work tmr kaes.
Xin ai just msg me online and asked me to
SLEEP.
but i cant.
my dad has my passport.
Ben is still nortt asleep too.
haiz.
im realli living in denial.
jeff msg me and asked whether
i got hallowween party.
u wanna jio me ar?
i dun mind. wahaha.
i just need to let it out of me.
I MISS THAT SUMONE.
i wun be postin till 28th Oct.
2 more days.
if u noe what i mean.
haiz.
sian.
well.
i better get goin.
u guys take kaire.
pray fer me.
-living in denial-